Lunchtime #4: Yul Brynner's Memorial Toolshed

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Text File | 1993-06-22 | 6.5 KB | 322 lines

v3.0 0 159 The Lunchtime Proletariat at this time...ý AxEA %! AAEA ý AxEA Andrew Judith Bennett (Esq.)ý Biog: An avid Sumo Wrestler and Aphid breederÿ Andrew þ went to public schoolÿ where he enjoyed being spanked þ on a regular basis by the lion tamers there. After a þ couple of months he started his school magazineÿ which þ he called "The Nudie News". In his later years he þ wrote a skit ("Nudie Panorama") and even had published þ a short storyÿ "Nudie Nights". He is stricken with an þ irritating compulsion to point at pictures of the þ Queen and shouting "Look at that! That there's a þ toilet".ý ý ý Graham Chernobyl Muscrat Potato Bogpot Fifi Charters þ (deceased)ý Biog: Deceased.ý ý ý Neil Belinda Davies (Mrs.)ý Biog: Neil was found in a pink bin-liner dumped in a þ disused Tesco carpark in Harlow New Town at the age of þ four. He has since been unable to go out in public þ without wearing a Balaclavaÿ flippersÿ a spinning bow þ tie and "Keep Britain Heterosexual" stickers over each þ nipple. His attempts to join the civil service were þ scuppered when he turned up at the interview carrying þ a dead dog and claiming to be Omar Sherif. He now þ writes down his filthiest dreams for Lunchtime and þ plays in a Chocolate Watchband tribute group whilst þ disguised as Aleister Crowley. Neil has been declared þ legally dead by the Audley branch of the Rod Steiger þ Fan Club. He was 46.ý ý ý Paul Eccles Golds (Captain and all-round lovely boy)ý Biog: Paul spent must of the 60's living in a þ Taiwanese brothel. He told his family that during þ this time he was one of the Beatles and spent a lot of þ time touring. Upon his returnÿ he spent much of the þ seventies drug-runningÿ pimping and working in Margate þ County Library as a condom machine. This peace was þ shattered when he was arrested for herding a flock of þ Norwegian mountain goats into an East End cinema þ during the premier screening of "Love Story". He þ steals ideas for his Lunchtime articles from National þ Geographicÿ Preston Church of the Divine Sinners' þ annual Financial Report and his Grandmotherÿ who he þ claims is a talking record of the Brighouse and þ Gastrick Brass Band.ý %! AAEA Moribund Hedgehogý AxEA Biog: Moribund is co-author of "Autoerotic Fatalities þ and the vegetable worshipping cult of Istanbul". His þ plans for a follow-upÿ tentatively entitled "Writing þ Spaghetti Porno Westerns in a Homemade Garden Shed" þ were ruined when his dog put the finished manuscript þ in the binÿ declaring it "too crap to publish". He þ tried to get it out of the bin againÿ but the dog bit þ him. He now writes for this wonderful journal. His þ dog works for British Telecomÿ detecting prank phone þ callers who frighten old age pensioners by ringing þ them up and pretending to be Michael Jackson. þ Moribund collects monkey`s skullsÿ has seven ugly þ children and thinks he is a tea bag. He has no sense þ of direction and his immediate plans are to die.ý %! AAEA ý AxEA Phil Horsewanker Toddý Biog: Phil is a builder by profession and got the þ publishing bug in 1988 when daubing grafitti on the þ Midland Bank in Hanley. He is unable to write on þ anything other than used Izal Medicated Toilet Paper þ stolen from the offices of the Wilmslow branch of Bell þ + Howell due to receiving (or so he claims) þ visitations from Adolf Hitlerÿ who taunts him by þ dancing the "Frug" and shouting "Go count the red cars þ on the M6 this afternoonÿ you asshole" in German. He þ has had three original ideas in his life but forgot þ them.ý %! AAEA ý AxEA %! AAEA %! Steven Princess Marigold Redferný AxEA Biog: Steven believes that he is a reincarnation of þ Lord Baden Powell and has a strange affinity for short þ trousers and brown shirts. He also entertains þ children occasionally due to a diminished reading age. þ His favourite catchphrase is "There's nothing like a þ woggle up your sphincter on a Sunday to help your þ breakfast go down". His only moment of fame was when þ in the 1974 fisherman's strikeÿ he swapped his right þ leg for a second hand miners helmet. His favourite þ film is 'Zombie Cannibal Holocaust' which always makes þ him cry. He keeps dead cockroaches in Hamlet cigar þ boxes and the rest of the Lunchtime staff hit him a þ lot because they don't like him very much. He doesn't þ write anything for the magazine but he's the only one þ of us with a hand scanner so we put up with him.ý ý %! AAEA %! Matt Changed His Name Tunnicliffeý AxEA Biog: Matt suffered a significant trauma at an early þ age due to his parents naming him 'Matthew Arthur Fido þ Tiddles Henry Gladys Rufus Groin Ugly Bob Iceland þ Tunnicliffe' after the pet dogs of all eleven members þ of the 1966 World Cup Squad. His parents are now in a þ home. So are the dogs. He attributes his writing þ 'talent' to an incident when at the age of 23 he þ overdosed on McVities biscuits and accidentally shot þ the milkman with a rolled up copy of the national þ anthem. His eventual ambition is to be recognised as þ a free stateÿ like his best friend Sudetenland*. His þ hobbies include kissing plaster goldfish and trying to þ re-invent the cabbage. What a silly fucker.ý ý Sun Raý Biog: Sun Ra is six hundred years old and is from the þ planet Saturn. He plays piano and synthesizer with þ his bandÿ The Solar Myth Arkestra. Howeverÿ he does þ not write for this magazine.ý ý *Sudetenland is an area in Czechoslovakia** bordering þ on Germanyÿ previously part of Austria-Hungaryÿ which þ in 1919*** contained about 3m****. German-speaking þ people. After the Nazis***** obtained power they þ instituted intensive propaganda amongst the Sudeten þ Germans to press for union with Germany. This was þ achieved by the Munich Pact 1938. After the Second þ World War the Sudetenland was returned****** to þ Czechoslovakiaÿ who performed a bit of ethnic þ cleansing on the German speaking population.ý ý **a countryý ý ***a year preceding 1920 and following on from 1918. þ Not to be confused of course with 1968ÿ a year þ following on from 1967 and coming before 1969ÿ 1970ÿ þ 1971 and quite a few others besides.ý ý ****A company which makes sellotapeÿ floppy disks and þ foam rubber things (I think).ý ý %! AAEA %! %! %! %! *****Not very nice people. You wouldn't like to þ AxEA invite them to dinner. Unless you are stupid. Or you þ are a Nazi***** yourself.ý ý ******crikeyÿ can't you figure anything out for þ yourself?ý ý